Valentine’s Day Playlist

So since Valentine’s Day is upon us I thought I’d make a fun metal playlist to mark the occasion. However instead of finding a bunch of romantic songs and turning this into some ballad fest I decided I’d find some of the most absurd, disturbing and downright creepy “love” songs that could only come from the world of heavy metal. So whether you’re celebrating with your special someone, your favorite orgy group or just chilling by yourself spending the day swiping left you should be able to enjoy this not-so-romantic playlist.

Motörhead – Killed By Death 1984 Killed By Death

There’s nothing more romantic than Motörhead’s Lemmy Kilmister starting off a song with the lines “If you squeeze my lizard/I’ll put my snake on you.” It was a tough choice but I picked this one over another Motörhead classic, “Orgasmatron.” But we’re just getting started here, on to more fun!

Ozzy Osbourne – Mr. Tinkertrain 1991 No More Tears

I love me some Ozzy and while the Prince Of Darkness has quite a few songs about love “Mr. Tinkertrain,” the opening track off of No More Tears, uses a first person account of being a child predator as a metaphor for dating a younger woman. But wait, it’s just a metaphor so that magically makes it less creepy, right?

Gorgoroth – When Love Rages Wild In My Heart 2000 Incipit Satan

Norwegian black metal band Gorgoroth seems to have taken the Kanye West approach when writing the lyrics to this song with its oddly romantic title. The line “and I think of me when love rages wild in my heart” shows the self adoration typical of famous rappers and Satanists alike.

Megadeth – Wake Up Dead 1986 Peace Sells… But Who’s Buying?

I’ve always said that if you want romance then look to Megadeth. This song is about vocalist Dave Mustaine trying to sneak back into bed at 4am without waking his woman because he’s been out drinking and fooling around with another woman. The title refers to what he’s in for if he is caught.

Behemoth – I Got Erection (Turbonegro cover) 2008 (unreleased)

Polish blackened death metal band Behemoth has some pretty brutal songs but for a couple years they’d close out their show with this bizarre cover of the Turbonegro song “I Got Erection.” They even played it at Empire once. This video is pretty funny when the entire audience starts singing “erection” in the chorus. This song is the aural equivalent of a dick pick, and that gives it a place on this playlist.

Deicide – Heaven Shall Burn 2004 Scars Of The Crucifix

Glen Benton of Deicide has written many songs in homage to Satan (including one actually called “Homage To Satan”) but the 30 second mark of this song lets us know how he really feels about the man in red downstairs when he growls “Conquering churches and slaughtering lambs / Doing it all for my love of Satan… I love you Satan, my lord.” Not exactly Lord Byron but hey, do you know of a more direct love letter to the Devil?

Macabre – You’re Dying To Be With Me 2003 Murder Metal

The Chicago based trio Macabre has a unique sound and all of their songs are about actual criminal events, usually about specific serial killers. This song is about Dennis Nilsen, the man called the “British Jeffrey Dahmer” because he killed at least 12 young boys and kept their corpses around after their deaths to keep him company, as in, he would have long conversations with their dead bodies.

Belphegor – Bondage Goat Zombie 2008 Bondage Goat Zombie

Well I couldn’t ignore all the hype about the bondage themed movie (based on the book) 50 Shades Of Grey coming out this weekend and what better band to represent the more kinky side of things than the bondage (and Satan) obsessed Austrian band Belphegor. Somehow I doubt the movie will have any goat zombies tied up, but there’s always room to expand in a sequel, right?

Slayer – 213 1994 Divine Intervention

The Slayer song 213 is a love song written from the perspective of Jeffrey Dahmer, whose apartment number in Milwaukee where he murdered 12 of his victims was 213. The lyrics to this one are totally gross and I still have my old Slayer shirt that has the line “death loves final embrace” on the back of it stuffed somewhere in my closet.

Cannibal Corpse – Necropedophile 1992 Tomb Of The Mutilated

I could have made an entire playlist of sexually violent death metal songs but I decided I would keep it narrowed down to the one with the most disturbing lyrics I’ve ever seen. “Necropedophile” is a first person tale of someone who cannot stop having sex with the corpses of children. You can read the lyrics here if you dare, they’re truly disturbing, even for death metal, but I figure if I’m going to pick just one brutal death metal song it’s gotta be this one.

Carpathian Forest – Theme From Nekromantik 2000 Strange Old Brew

Norway’s Carpathian Forest have a bizarre sense of humor but this piano cover of the theme song to the German film Nekromantik seems fitting here. The movie is about a man who cleans bodies from car accidents on the Autobahn and one day he decides to take a corpse home to have a three way with it and his girlfriend. Things get even more weird when she starts falling for the corpse and out of love with him, and this creepy tune is the background to all of it.

Well that does it for this special Valentine’s Day playlist, now go kill yourself.